Middle of somewhere !

When you wake up one morning and find that you are not sure where exactly you are can be quite an experience but what could be more daunting is when you realize that you are middle of somewhere and not sure where you are heading !

At this stage that is how I often feel, a need to carve out my own niche but with the trouble of not belonging anywhere (that is available to me). Finding the perfect fit has always been difficult be it a shoe,a dress or stage in your life. 

At 25 and married, I have achieved one great milestone in life, which would be finding the one person to go home to. Believe it or not, not having one can make your entire life meaningless. Now that I have found the person to go home to, I find it difficult to understand where to go from here.

Why do I say that I am in the middle of nowhere, let see ..

1. Am I size M, L Or should I find other store ? 

I don't have a size I belong to, every piece of clothing needs to be tried and tested. My wardrobe is filled with clothes ranging from 8 to 14. Where do I belong ? Okay, jokes apart let me really think....

2. Conversations with Friends:

Why does previously hilariously and flirtatious tales seem so non interesting ! Talks about boys,sex and flirting does not excite me as it used to. And lets face it whats more important to a single girl than the cute boy next door. But, when the conversations revolve so much around this and mainly this, the selfish person in me feels the need to stop and talk about something well more important to me! Hours of telephonic conversations are replaced with awkward pauses and lame 'so what else'. I often feel the need to shake some of them and say, come on grow up! Girl friends are a vital part of my life, people who I used to laugh and play with seem suddenly immature,mean,insincere. 

3."The other married people"

Then I go ahead and socialize with a few married couples I know, the talk is always surrounding good housekeeping, juggling jobs with home and inadvertently children.I listen on feeling like I came from another planet.Most often have nothing to contribute and drift of to my own reverie until some one ask me question( the answer to which I would have no way of knowing ).  Having to go to a kids fourth birthday party makes me cringe and feel stupid. I don't belong here, or maybe I don't want to, as I cling on to all the things that make a little girl.

4. When I becomes a WE

Its not always about what you want, you seem to have to think about the we aspect of your life for sometimes mundane things too. Do I feel like going out today ? No, and then you automatically think but maybe he would want to. So you go, feeling I should be home tucked in my bed, and if you don't go, you sit in your bed thinking I should have gone and feeling guilty as hell. What happened to the time when 'sorry mate I cant make it', ends there.

 I look around and see that it is not only my job that I would have to start from the bottom but also many other nuances in my life.  I feel like I am constantly judged by all, that boundaries are being drawn by others or me and I feel the need to portray a predetermined image. I swing between immense sense of security and insecurity. I laugh and cry with the greatest force in my life. I experience joys like never before mingled with doubts that I have never had to face before.All this often leaves me confused and lonely.It scares you and wish like hell that familiar things are restored with only the welcome addition of your loved better half.

 Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. 

Growing up is not just crossing over from the teens to twenties, what I fail to realize that it is a never ending process, a constant phase of life. Call it the "growing pains" or the "quarter life crisis" know that you are not alone, everyone goes through it in their own unique way.