The road ahead

No one lives in isolation, who we are is defined by the people we let into our lives and the experiences we have. Often these experiences and people leave a mark on us so deep that it changes us so subtly. We don't realize it, but it has a way of creeping on to us when we least expect it.

I always thought that if I was wronged, I need to be convinced to forgive the other person. To address the damage,to sooth my ego until I was satisfied. And if that does not happen,then what?  Not all wrongs in life can be made right through confrontation. Not always do you get a chance to make things right. You would pretend to be a good person and be magnanimous and 'forgive' someone! Feel good and make the world a better place, without actually helping you.

It worked for me a while, but the negative feelings come back as they always do. And the more I ignore it,the more my anger manifest in my life. I needed to make peace with myself. All I knew was the pain, the anger,  the irritation and sensitivity to any comments ranging from my appearance to my life and the choices in my life. It was almost like any remark was considered a jab. With that outlook life never moves ahead it only stays stuck in the past with selected memories that block out anything good.

I tried to forgive but never forgot. Just never had enough strength to forget. So I changed tracks instead of finding ways to even out, I began to look within me. Began to value myself, respect and love myself more. With just a little bit of caring to myself, I was able to see how hard I was to me. And slowly but steadily the pain began to fade, I could laugh at the most embarrassing moments, or smile at things that made me cry earlier.

The process of forgiving and forgetting starts with when you HELP yourself. It took a while but I learnt to HELP me...  to Heal, to Evolve, to Love and to find Peace. 

The peace came with me valuing myself,my dignity,my values more. Sounds very simple but loving yourself is very hard.

Dont take away my childhood

The French take fashion seriously and age seems not to be a barrier. Browsing through the net an article in CNN caught my eyes about the French fashion house Jaures Après Lines, and their new collection "Loungerie".  

The concept behind this new collection is to create a brand dedicated to "loungerie" just for children (Lounge wear and Lingerie together), which can be worn inside or outside.  The designs are similar to lingerie which to me is beautiful but only on an adult. Without sounding orthodox, hardly any clothes seemed appropriate for children.

What is hotly debated and discusses is that more than the lingerie itself it is the styling and marketing of the product that has come into being so disturbing. The 14 year olds are seen with matching panty and bra, teased hair, lipstick, pearls and a come hither look!

Source: Coco Perez and Tres sugar

Coco Channel said “Fashion is not something that exists in dresses alone. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live” but I doubt if this interpretation of fashion by the French is even noteworthy!

For the Missing Daughters

I am from Kerala and one of the things that I am proud of being from this southern most state of India is the Gender ratio it boasts of. Not the coconuts, the back water, or even the literacy rate but the gender ratio. I read today that the gender ratio has dipped to an all time low of 914 to 1000 (women to men) and some of the northern states having a much lesser ratio sometimes dipping to lower than 900.

Decades earlier when the number of children per family was in the range of 4 to 10, there   was a natural balance between male and female children and people did not have to selectively chose a 'sex'. Then with time and advent of the nuclear family system having less number of children, the sex of the child gained paramount importance. And the divinity of women is not extended further than the Idols we worship.

Traditionally in India male children have been preferred. The biggest blame has been borne by the dowry system and the cost of a wedding. One might think that with females working hard and often contributing for their dowry educated parents of today should be less worried. Sadly this not the case, It is not only about the money or education. You will find that some of the richest regions in India show low gender ratio. This is because in our culture male children are seen as the scions of the family and female children have been given the position of a 'temporary visitor'. A son takes a ‘family name’ ahead and is a beacon of hope for the future, for old age and for heaven, while a daughter remains the un/welcome guest.

Thus when all the planning is geared towards old age the obsession for a 'male heir' than a 'female child' becomes the obvious. Top it with the pressures of marriage and dowry, is it a wonder people practice such hideous crimes? Legal amendments alone are not going to tackle this problem which is so deeply edged into our culture. Unfortunately a solution seems as grave as the problem itself.

On the legal aspects I would welcome laws where the wedding expenses are given a fixed ceiling and also made mandatory for both parties to share the cost. It is a sensible thing to do, as no set of parents are made to spend too much and there would be more inheritance for female making them socially independent too. 

A change for this can come with some radical change in the Indian Family system where the son lives with parents and daughter's with the In Laws. Taking care of one's parents is a responsibility irrespective of sex.

Dear Father,

What is in a name?

You attached my name to yours at birth, I lived as your daughter, married still remained your daughter, became a mother still remained your daughter, my child is your grandchild even if I call him with a different name"

As long as we support such patriarchal society a solution for the gendercide is a distant call.

I write this post today so that some day if I have a daughter, she will know for sure that there was no disappointment for me that SHE came to me and not a HE.

 I love this video, but it saddens me that at this age too we need this.

Brown Girl in the ring tra la lala...

I tried to avoid the sun whatever, the season

and treat my skin to honey and milk 

because my grandma told me then I would be fair

because my aunt told me it would glow and I would be a beauty !

So did it make me more beautiful ? 

 I have the same eyes,nose,lips and face

Not any fairer and not any darker

And now television tells me It will make me successful....

Enter Fair and Lovely adverts in India, and you would be forced to believe that finding success and love in life is directly proportional to your skin tone. That may be the reason they provide you with a skin shade card to measure ! 

It sickens me that all over the world people are still running after the perfect skin color ! Its a shame when you don't respect what you have that defines you. To tell someone that you can not live your dream until you are fair is a huge crime, Thousands of gullible youngsters suffer the consequence of an irresponsible media (supported by society).  Why blame just the advert? In the past, we have silently accepted that lighter toned Asian women are more beautiful than their dark skinned sister's. We even let bollywood tell us that. A blatant example is how in movies the heroes and heroines are all mostly ultra fair while the villagers,poor folks,villains and the spurned lovers are mostly dark complexioned. Not quite the co incidence!  From there to now these adverts, I am glad people have begun reacting.

I am not a person who opposes any kind of beautification, contrary I love anything that betters my skin, the texture not the tone ! No harm taking care of your skin, and I think everyone should but no ways support racism because of color.

Vanity and visual appearance speak volumes about a women and it is for a long time, but a little education would go a long way too. Support us in our campaign here.

The Books that I wish you would Read

I love to read and often try to read books as diverse as possible, but  I have my favorites and among them here is my pick of 10 books I totally enjoyed reading and recommend.

1.  Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
2. Memoirs of Geisha by Arthur Golden
3. Thousand Splendid Sons by Khaled Hosseini
4. Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coehlo
5. Veronica Decides to Die by Paulo Coehlo
6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
7. Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
8. A Tale of two cities by Charles Dickens
9. Lolita by Valdimir Nabokov
10. and of course the epic Paradise Lost by John Milton.

It is a pretty varied choice of books, if you have missed any of this check it out and let me what you thought about these books.

What are your favorites, let me know ! 

A Yes means Yes and No Means NO

The first Slut Walk in Asia happened in Delhi; to me it is symbolic of the 'Rape Crisis' that the city is facing. And how are we dealing with the high incidence of sexual assault in the city? I am sure we are doing the best we can within the limits of the popular thought span. If you were wondering what the thought span is, this might help.

Delhi Police Commissioner says, "You can not drive alone in the city after 2 am and then claim the city is unsafe"

That is how the story began, in response to similar outrageous comments, women around the world followed the steps taken by a group of women in Toronto and began a series of Slutwalks, giving rise to Delhi's 'Slut walk aka Besharmi Morcha'.

Sexual Assault of any form is a violation of a person's dignity to life and so it is the legal system's duty to prevent such acts at all times, scenarios and circumstances. The Police commissioner's statement is just a small example of how large amount of people in the Judicial system think. Do those charged with our safety have a true understanding of sexual assault?

The supreme court of India uses the poorly defined term "modesty" to test around the guilt of a person. What modesty is possessed or is not possessed by a child or a teenager? Sexual assault at any level is a crime and we need to look at it as how we look at any other crime. I will agree that a women in shorts invited rape if we begin to look at a robbery in an unarmed store as intentional negligence by the store and not just plain simple Robbery! I am not drawing parallel to a person and a store but if we apply the rationale of thinking by many people then was not the store unarmed, open and inviting with goodies why not loot it? Stop blaming the victim for the crime, being sexually assaulted is not about what you wear and using it to rationalize inexcusable behavior creates an environment in which the blame falls on the victim. Provocation to rape is ridiculous, especially when provocation is not taken into consideration in any other crime.

The Irony is that sexual assault happens at all ages, among family members, in rural and urban India and yet the society and judiciary speak volumes on the "character", "modesty" and "level of provocation".  In 2008, there was a protest "I never asked for it" where victims around India were encouraged to send in the clothes they were wearing when they were raped. Not surprisingly the display showed Jeans, tops and salwars defying all notions of modesty and the slut theory.

Though the Delhi Slut walk has drawn a lot of criticism I support it wholeheartedly and would like to congratulate the organizers. The walk is not an excuse to derange our culture, dress inappropriately but only to voice out that we do not want to take responsibility of other people's lack of culture or insanity. After all every change began with a unified stand against it, in itself it won’t help but is a tiny step towards awareness and reform. We need to stop taking it lightly, eve teasing, molesting, lewd remarks and sexually objectifying are all serious sexual crimes which are undermined. So take the focus of the clothes and onto the crime!

I support the March, because in Delhi women are not walking down the street only to be able to wear whatever they wish but rather to be able to walk down the street. I hope more women and men believe that sexuality has nothing to do with rape. Waiting to see more cities emulate Delhi.

Don’t make me blame myself, my body, and my clothes for your crime.

The Axe Effect - Axed

The Axe effect adverts created a new revolution in the small screen media. It brought home notoriously raunchy adverts and gave a makeover to the sorry state of male deodorants. And thus came in 'The Axe Effect' with their explicit message of a promise to 'get laid'.They were too hard to ignore.

The advertisement campaign by axe has never been shy in their insinuations of sex in it, in fact it boasts of the male species sexual instincts quiet blatantly. And it worked ! For so long it upheld the anthem that sex sells anything. It was too hard to ignore, so everyone wanted to duplicate their success.This brought about an avalanche of sexual based adverts for everything. Drinking your juices, chewing gum even 'paan parag' had to be sexy! But with the coming of more 'desi' and raunchy adverts by wild stone etc, it became too obscene and much too much. The ASCI (Advertising Council of India) decided to step in and regulate these ads, and we now have a ban on all racy deodorant ads. The companies affected are Wildstone, Denver Ads, Set Wet Zatak, Axe.

So what went wrong ? 

                                    Mild slapstick humor VERSUS 

Outright Sexual Innuendos 

These companies decided to copy the format of Axe but felt the need to Indianize it more, so that the masses would be able to relate to it better. In a country where culture and modesty is so valued, these companies began flooding the cable with adverts depicting an elder sister in law removing her 'mangalsutra' (which depicts matrimony) and lusting after her younger brother in law or of a female aroused during "Durga Pooja" ! 

Take a look

I cant help but think if these companies ever did any market study or culture analysis? 

There was a considerable public outrage for the above advert especially because it mingled religion and sex together. It defiantly asked for a lit cannon ball.

I always found these adverts tasteless, but it has been my personal opinion. I am open to the media using something as  natural as sex to promote their product but it should be done in an aesthetic manner and not in the misleading and often demeaning manner. Sexualising a condom advert seem fine to me, but a deo or inner wear seems funny almost and not necessary. 

So do I support the ban, No ! 

I think banning these adverts is a step back. Lets not kid ourselves, our public is not naive or new to sex and related issues. Banning just one random advert does nothing. We cant be Nazis to the media. I understand a balance needs to be maintained, but the youth of today understand sex and its appeal way before you wish they did ! Stuffing it under a blanket never helps, its better to let the market decide. If it really is very offensive to the public surveys etc will show it and no company in their right sense would want to advertise badly. 

What upsets me more is the Information Ministry quote " The Ads brim with messages aimed at tickling libidinous males instinct" and " showing women hankering huskily under the influence of these deodorants".

Again, we are portraying the age old message of decency,chastity and modesty. The definition of modesty by the supreme court is defined by what is perceived by a  "reasonable man" or ""Womanly propriety of behavior; scrupulous chastity of thought, speech and conduct" and "decorous in manner and conduct; not forward or lewd".

Quiet Outrageous, What we need more than randomly banning the media is a more comprehensive understanding of "modesty" and male libidinous instincts" (the latter being very excusable!)