The Spiritual Disconnect

A blogger I follow wrote on a spiritual journey and how it gives her a sens of protection, and after reading that, it begged me to face my own woes of the spiritual disconnect I had been feeling for a while now.I realized that I was feeling estranged from my spirituality when I caught myself in my head mocking a person's idea of prayers and how it calms him. 

I have never been the kind of girl, who religiously sticks to a routine of prayers or rituals.But as strange as it sounds, I always used to feel a connect with God, through my simple prayers ranging any time of the day and mostly through my thoughts and conversations, where I see and feel the presence of someone out there who is watching over me and listening to me.I used to feel that calm, a sense of belonging and protection which many people would confuse as self confidence.

Things change, growing up is never fun. Through the journey life takes you through paths you wish you could have skipped. But you still go along seeking guidance from this "inner guru". At crossroads when all rationality fails you turn to this for help, and go along with a 'Belief' that everything would go well.

At some point of my life, I felt doubt and eventually a sense of betrayal and finally this belief faded away.This lasted more than the heart-brake that caused it.And my trust just kept seeping away,and I never realized it till the day I mentioned before.And it was a bitter sweet experience, at one end I was feeling liberated and on the side I was appalled that a part of me was rotting in some way. 

If my belief had truly gone, why would it hurt me so much to know that? but if my belief was really 'true' why would it even shake? So many questions, uncertainties and fear.So much so that you prefer to stay ignorant of it.I prefer to think to myself that I am doing good this way, I am living my life well and am happy.I will take each day as it comes, and live life the way my values and emotions dictate.And I will be fine, don't really need any spirituality. 

If you believe that ignorance is better than knowing, its wrong!, the worst possible fear is the fear of not knowing. So my knowing and acknowledging that something is amiss here is very important to me. Reading that blog, somehow tells me its okay to fall off because you can always get back.

Because the fact is that I miss my conversations with god.The little prayers, 'the please give me this and i will give you that' and the 'thank you's' or 'why did you do that to me?' later on.

Dear god, why don't you help me here and take the first move, if you do I will never be estranged again I promise !